Sometimes

Sometimes the rain pours
Sometimes the rain drizzles slowly down
Sometimes I feel the mood coming on
Sometimes I don't even notice my sad little frown
Sometimes my heart is so light and does a happy dance
Sometimes I laugh and giggle and prance
Sometimes all is not fair in love and war
Sometimes I just want to text a Girlfriend that I simply adore
Sometimes my life is such a flippin' stupid mess
Sometimes my nerves are under such baggage and stress
Sometimes my tears overflow
Sometimes I just want to stay in and not go
Sometimes I just say I am fine...I am fine....
Even though I am not...I don't want to whine....Sometimes, Sometimes.

Random Thoughts from a divorced woman...

Sometimes my life feels like a soap opera....

I mean..I am the cheating Ex-wife living with her new man....talking to her Exhusband about kids, taxes and past memories right......
Then I have my insane family...wonderful girlfriends and the best job in the world.

So...why am I constantly looking at the other neighbor wondering why their grass is always greener?
Why do I mess with Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda thoughts and not focusing on the "I think I can's or I know I cans' ?"

Is this normal? only time will tell...(BTW...when I say cheating I mean starting another relationship before my divorce was final)...
I love my Boy Toy with all my heart...he makes it pitter patter and then some...he is funny, talks all the time...showers me with attention just not affection...

Then there is the Ex Husband....he showered me with affection just not attention...and I have known him since I was 14 yrs...we have 2 children and a part of me will always love him.

Why do I feel so torn...??

Morally...my marriage should have worked...MY FAULT
Ethically...I was right to leave him...he was just as responsible for our marriage failing...BOTH FAULTS
Emotionally....Both men make me laugh...cry...I should have known better (My Fault)
Physically....My Boy Toy is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G when we are together....Not a Fault..at all! LOL

So...tommorrow when I wake up or tonight when I go to bed I wonder if my head will shut up since I wrote it all down...
I am simply human...trying to sort this crap out....

OMG....I can't believe I dumped this out there for the world to see....
Peace..outta here...

Outta here...

Man...ya hear that?!
That's right my friends....SILENCE....quiet and peace!

YAY! Love my nieces..love them more when they go home! HOORAY!!!!

WHEW....

Well gals & Pals....

I am in the middle of an ice storm..hehehe and I talked my sister into letting my 3 nieces come over for the night...OMG!
I just have to say...my late thirties are much harder with 3 small girls! We have made homemade Chicken & Dumplings...frosted chocolate Brownies and took our individual bubble baths and needless to say I looked at my clock on my cell phone and thought....OMG...its only 8:30pm what the crap am I gonna do with them now till they pass out!
You know my Goth Girl & All American Boy are so much older than these three and can fend for themselves...these three are a full time watch people! My sympathies to those with toddlers...how easy it is to forget the dedication and time consuming effort involved here...but all in all...I adore these girls and they are worth it...now...to get them passed out before my Boy Toy comes home from work! LOL
Pray for my sanity and the girls patience....

Peace...I am outta here!

Bored...very bored...

Okie dokie folks....

It is Sunday...I took my kids back to meet my Ex...so they can head home. It was wonderful even having them for one night! We had left overs, drank hot tea w/honey, took bubble baths, and watched some tv and gabbed until my "Boy Toy" got home from work. hehehe

The kids really like him and he really tries to get to know them. I am very lucky girl huh?

Then why is most of my time spent either cleaning, cooking or trying to cuddle with my boy toy and he is so standoffish with me. He has been married twice and a guy with a particular job that makes him emotionally closed off...he is trying to open up and be more cuddley but the problem is he works nights and he sleeps most of the day. So, now I am sitting here in a dark house...typing this and bored out of my mind.

I would love to be cuddling or snuggling or making love right now...he...he is not feeling well again and doesn't want to cuddle and wants to lay in bed and watch the telly.

I understand this, but I would love for him to just stroke my hair or hold my hand.

Does this make me needy? Desperate? Lonely? Depressed?

No...just makes a healthy vivacious woman with needs. I will go...grab my Quilt and snuggle up with a good book and some coffee...later girls!

10 Personal things:

Okay...my best gal pal Kendle has inspired me to post 10 brutally honest things about myself...why? I guess to put it all out there and know how it feels to be honest....
Here goes...if I offend you...well...get over it!

1. I have been struggling with my weight for years...I love to eat! I am a severe foodie...I always felt empty inside and tried to fill that void with food. I have been seriously battling this addiction for the last few months and have lost 61 pounds. It is a daily struggle with myself about what I am putting in my mouth.

2. I come across as judgemental. I don't mean to be. I have a quick wit and sharp tongue. My best friends know and love this about me...I can be brutally honest...but others...it turns them off.

3. I have a severe issue with the "Relationship Issues" I was abandoned by my biological father at a young age and was emotionally and physically abused by my stepfather for years and molested by a family member for several young years.

4. I am recently divorced and during the seperation process I began seeing another man. I was emotionally neglected by my exhusband for years...I begged for counseling and he refused...my boyfriend was very helpful in my moving forward. I was married for 19 years, I gave my all to that...the only thing I would change....to wait on getting into another relationship until my divorce was final. Less complications...LOL!

5. I am severely OCD on cleaning...yes...even my canned food are all in a row with labels turned out so all I have to do is open doors and look to see what I have....I am Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with a little ADHD thrown in for good measure...If you call me...9x out of 10 I am cleaning or organizing.

6. I snore...really badly, drives my boyfriend crazy...poor guy.

7. I am very closed off about my problems...I don't like to throw out my weaknesses or anxieties. I am trying very hard to tackle that this year...to be able to ask for help and accept it.

8. I miss my kids so much I cry daily. They live with my Ex Husband...my daughter the Goth Girl is almost 19 and my son...All American Boy...is almost 17 and they want to reside with their father so they can finish school with their friends since kindergarten. I understand this...but it saddens me terribly...although I have made it a point to see them 2x a week with an 2 hour drive one way...it is very difficult, but very neccessary.

9. I suffer from Depression. If you would have asked me even six months ago about how to handle depression I would have laughed and told you to get over it...now having gone through this myself..I am in total awe and understanding of how terrible of a condition it is and how dabilitating it can be. I tried Cymbalta...made me like a zombie and the Co-pay...ridiculous...now trying Paxil...much better and lots easier on the wallet. Its sad when the cost of the depression medication depresses you! LOL

10. I look in the mirror daily and find fault with myself...from a straggle hair on my chin to pluck...to my hair on my upper lip to bleach...my gray hair to dye...my weight that goes up and down like a roller coaster and my sex life which with me in my prime is driving me bananas!
Does it get easier...I doubt it....will I become less critical of my life or myself...Probably, honestly...NOT! I want to learn to accept me and my flaws...hmmmm...oh well...Whatever!

My beginning

I have attempted this blog 3x now and don't know where or how to begin.
My girlfriend lured me onto this site with her addiction to blogging.
I think....hmmmm....can't hurt right? LOL

I just ended my 19 year marriage to my High School Sweetheart and both our children still live with him as to be able to finish school with their friends seeing that I moved away. I was one of those "Active" moms...PTO, Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, YBMA, Girls Soccer, Orchestra, Home Room mom....you name it I did it! My kids were my life. That is how I think I managed to stay in that marriage for so long, being unhappy and neglected emotionally and physically.
Don't get me wrong...he isn't a bad guy & he is a wonderful dad!
But as a husband...I found him lacking. I am sure he found me lacking too! Hence the divorce.
If it wasn't for my family and friends...I wouldn't have made it out sane.
I feel like there is alot of wisdom that I have to share with where I have been and the roads I have taken.
Needless to say...I have alot of baggage. ROFL
For all those out there who wish to listen....pull up a chair...for those who don't...SEE YA!

Peace I am outta here for now!