Thursday, October 8, 2009

A night to sleep on it... is a new day...LOL (took that from my BF)

I thought all night about my situation and only can get to me if I let it.
I called my mother this AM and apologized. Apologized for HOW I talked to her and my tone which I should not have used no matter what. I don't want my daughter to ever talk that way to I owned it, my actions and asked for her understanding that obviously I am not very good at communicating with her and I was terribly sorry for my attitude yesterday. I also asked her to recall her relationship with her Sisters as well...and as bad as mine and Superwoman's is with Pill doesn't even come close to my mother with her sisters. (guess the old adage you learn what you see) I dunno.
Then I explained to my mother...just because I am facing reality here concerning Pill Popper, doesn't mean I don't love her, just shows I am being realistic...I have only the past thirty some years to go by regarding her actions and drug abuse to draw from.
I am trying to be smart, prepared for when my sister "Pill Popper" does die, overdose or go back to prison.....I am ready as I can more surprises. I told my mother if she wanted to be upbeat...fine...whatever she has to do for herself...but don't say how horrible I am while raising her three girls trying to face the facts. I pray my mother got it....This weekend we are going to Oklahoma for Drama Queen's Birthday...should be interesting...but I have vowed...DQ will be 9 it is her BDAY it will be fun for her! period.....No yelling...happiness because after all...haven't the kids been thru enough? you know...I may be weak...I may do stupid things like run my mouth when I shouldn't but I realize when I should own something I have done as well....

Hope everyone has a blessed weekend...for I am sure gonna try!


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Stupid Drama....

Ever have those moments? Those that make your face turn bright red...smoke come out of your ears...your head spin around and your heart feels like it is gonna pop out of your chest and your fists clench and your palms are sweaty? positive as I try to stay I have those moments when talking or dealing with my mother.
yes, its true...I wish we had the storybook Mother/Daughter relationship....I try so hard and I am sure(well I hope) she tries as well...but to understand this you need to understand some issues or my baggage:
I am an oldest of two children from a first marriage, my mother raved and ranted all my life how she hated our father...what a loser, what an idiot...need I go on?
Well...then she married our stepfather who was demeaning, abusive mentally, physically,emotionally and he was also a cheater and an alcholic lovely huh? Well it gets better....we were molested by our step sister (who overdosed a few years back) and our mother constantly choose things or our step father over me and my sister(Superwoman). I could go on for months...but the saddest part is I think alot of us have dealt with our baggage in our lives and none are worse than the others, I also believe Karma is a wheel...and you get what you put out in life.
My Step sister...overdosed from drugs (pills)
My Step a nursing home, mentally not there
My Mother...not really happy unless she is a martyr
My half sister (pill Popper) is in prison for her drug usage
* I am raising her girls with no money, no thanks no anything other than my love for them thank the Gods for my friends...and my fiance..."The Torch" and my kids and their understanding.
Sorry...I tend to ramble but I wanted to give you a touch of my background. mother is very judgemental and hateful to me and my sister....she has made it a gift actually...over and over.
Lately, she has been saying stuff like how me and my sister deserved what we got...we were awful children...she would never have worked so hard for us had she known then what she knows now...etc.
Also all along she is saying stuff about my half sister who is in prison (pill Popper) how good she is doing, how great she is...sends her $$$ and defends her and my step father to no end...
how i should pity my sister for her having Hepatitis C from using used what my sister does or doesn't do isn't my business...are you kidding?
I am raising her girls! I have already raised my two children and very well I might add.
So, today I get a text reminding me to wish My abusive horrid step father "Happy Bday" and I just ignore it...then she texts me about something i should know pertaining to the 3 little birdies....and I break. I freak out...wanna shout from the roof top..."Leave me alone!"
Then after talking to my Sister Superwoman I find out...Pill Popper may also have diabetes and has a BF whom she has been writing to for awhile...which is INSANE because her daughters...Yes, her daughters...have been lucky to get a letter one every other month...priorities right?
Well...I see their faces, notice their heart aches....breaks my heart.
So, I call my mom and ask her...why? why would Pill Popper find it more important to write some guy who is either from the facility she is at or sibling of someone there...instead of getting her act together and writing her girls...I don't get it.
My mother...defended her...surprise surprise...then hung up on me told me it wasn't my business...
I was angry...hurt...and felt like...I am good enough to listen to my mother...keep her secrets for her (which is dumber than dumb) and here to clean up after her and pill popper...while my on hold. I love these girls...oh btw did i mention her current drug/felony bf still lives in same place waiting on her to get keeps getting
I give up...I am spent...I am gonna cut my mother from my life...I don't need this all this drama...I want better, I deserve better.

For once...I would just like some support from my mother no strings attached, no judgements, no sour faces or sneaky movements...just once.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Winds of Change...My surroundings under go transition

change winds Pictures, Images and Photos

I have learned quite a bit about myself during this first week into the journey of self empowerment and positivity...including...I am a BEAUTIFUL woman who has much to offer and give. I have felt the winds of change envelope me....I have welcomed the wind into my chaotic life and allowed it to whip around moving obstacles for me that I didn't deem important enough to move. I have begun to welcome the sweet smell of life and it uncertainty to waft around my home in the midst of incense and candles...I am a Lucky woman...I have two very beautiful teenagers, and WONDERFUL loving fiance...a strong supportive family...custody of three (3) beautiful nieces (of course I am a Guardian which I already knew) and the ability to uplift, motivate and protect those in my life and around me....IT's Great to be a WITCH....its wonderful to be I embark on the "Fire Ritual" I am excited about what is to come...I sense great things as I move forward in this magickal circle to a better me....and realize...I am But Human as well.
Brightest Blessings my friends...I hope the Winds of change blow something you need into your paths as well.


Monday, October 5, 2009

Working on myself....

Candles White Pictures, Images and Photos

I am cleansing, purifing and empowering myself again for positivity and cleansing...working on Tub Teas, Cleansing herbal mixes and meditating. Sometimes, it takes a little light breeze to whip around you and make your senses wake up...I will be doing a ritual later today. Carving "Wind" into a white candle...setting up my workspace and Blessing my home, myself and my energy...
Brightest blessings all...Go light your incense and candles...cuddle up read a book...may the winds of prosperity and kindness blow your way my friends.


Friday, October 2, 2009

my September....

I would like to share how my life this past month has been setting me up for Success!
1. I am enjoying the school schedule w/the Terrors
2. I have planned two outings....w/all the kids....Branson & Camping
3. I have relocated my altar and taken up reading again each day
4. I have started thinking and working on creating my own home based business
5. I have begun buying Christmas gifts already and storing them away
6. I am recleaning, organizing & rearranging my house from top to bottom
7. I am going to make it a point to either blog or tweet each day...not just once a month
8. Enjoy MY PERSONAL QUIET time more either meditate, read, nap or drink hot tea.
9. Say a Blessing each day for someone
10. Make a comment each day on both my kids Facebook...get involved.
11. Tell everyone how much I love them....
12. BE GRATEFUL and POSITIVE about my relationship, life and myself.
13. SMILE...SMILE and smile some more...will improve my mood and those around me for the better. September...My Birth Month...My new goals....
Just wanted to put it into words so I can be grateful even more when I am feeling down or off the beaten path...for the Goddess leads and guides me in all I do....I am Such a GODDESS as well.

Merry Meet and Merry part and to all: Have an even more productive...OCTOBER.


Thursday, October 1, 2009

The 3 little Birdies....or Terrors?

I have three nieces that I have driven you all nutz about talking about them....or whining about them and the issues I have faced while The Torch and I are taking care of them....

1st Girl Goofy who is sweet and funny but yet, manages to never HEAR me when I am addressing her unless of course when she wants to...rofl

2nd Drama Queen who is extra cuddly and throws such awful pouting fits and her faces know the old addage "If looks could kill?" you get it

3rd Psycho she is autistic has has severe weird moments where she even speaks a newly created language by herself to only herself..then out of the three she has what I call rainman syndrome too....she has the best response w/manners...its uncanny and puts the other two to shame

I have really gotten to know these girls over the past few months...and known that I have no limits...thought I did...then realize that the HUMAN condition when neccessary is capable of performing any task within reason when there are no choices. They are lovely girls...with a bright future, no thanks to their mother (Pill Popper) she has only gotten high for herself over these last few years and I guess it gripes my butt that my Mother (Denial) has decided to cover her back....throw me and my other sister (Superwoman) to the long as Pill Popper is taken care of its all good. Besides according to Denial.....Pill Popper is doing so well!
I want Pill Popper to be well...sober....clean and a good mom for these girls, I want always works...always a blessing.
I have never meant it more I promise...because as good as I am...I have raised my own children....and trying to find out who I am...hard to do w/three little girls in tow.

So, I am off to cause havoc today and maybe mixed w/alittle mischief...who knows where this Witch's Path will lead.

Brightest Blessings and I am hoping for some refreshing, cleansing rain today.