A night to sleep on it...

well...today is a new day...LOL (took that from my BF)

I thought all night about my situation and realized...it only can get to me if I let it.
I called my mother this AM and apologized. Apologized for HOW I talked to her and my tone which I should not have used no matter what. I don't want my daughter to ever talk that way to me...so I owned it, my actions and asked for her understanding that obviously I am not very good at communicating with her and I was terribly sorry for my attitude yesterday. I also asked her to recall her relationship with her Sisters as well...and as bad as mine and Superwoman's is with Pill Popper....it doesn't even come close to my mother with her sisters. (guess the old adage you learn what you see) I dunno.
Then I explained to my mother...just because I am facing reality here concerning Pill Popper, doesn't mean I don't love her, just shows I am being realistic...I have only the past thirty some years to go by regarding her actions and drug abuse to draw from.
I am trying to be smart, prepared for when my sister "Pill Popper" does die, overdose or go back to prison.....I am ready as I can be...no more surprises. I told my mother if she wanted to be upbeat...fine...whatever she has to do for herself...but don't say how horrible I am while raising her three girls trying to face the facts. I pray my mother got it....This weekend we are going to Oklahoma for Drama Queen's Birthday...should be interesting...but I have vowed...DQ will be 9 it is her BDAY it will be fun for her! period.....No drama...no yelling...happiness because after all...haven't the kids been thru enough?

There...now you know...I may be weak...I may do stupid things like run my mouth when I shouldn't but I realize when I should own something I have done as well....

Hope everyone has a blessed weekend...for I am sure gonna try!

Peace*

Stupid Drama....

Ever have those moments? Those that make your face turn bright red...smoke come out of your ears...your head spin around and your heart feels like it is gonna pop out of your chest and your fists clench and your palms are sweaty?
Well....as positive as I try to stay I have those moments when talking or dealing with my mother.
yes, its true...I wish we had the storybook Mother/Daughter relationship....I try so hard and I am sure(well I hope) she tries as well...but to understand this you need to understand some issues or my baggage:
I am an oldest of two children from a first marriage, my mother raved and ranted all my life how she hated our father...what a loser, what an idiot...need I go on?
Well...then she married our stepfather who was demeaning, abusive mentally, physically,emotionally and he was also a cheater and an alcholic lovely huh? Well it gets better....we were molested by our step sister (who overdosed a few years back) and our mother constantly choose things or our step father over me and my sister(Superwoman). I could go on for months...but the saddest part is I think alot of us have dealt with our baggage in our lives and none are worse than the others, I also believe Karma is a wheel...and you get what you put out in life.
My Step sister...overdosed from drugs (pills)
My Step father...in a nursing home, mentally not there
My Mother...not really happy unless she is a martyr
My half sister (pill Popper) is in prison for her drug usage
* I am raising her girls with no money, no thanks no anything other than my love for them thank the Gods for my friends...and my fiance..."The Torch" and my kids and their understanding.
Sorry...I tend to ramble but I wanted to give you a touch of my background.
WEll...my mother is very judgemental and hateful to me and my sister....she has made it a gift actually...over and over.
Lately, she has been saying stuff like how me and my sister deserved what we got...we were awful children...she would never have worked so hard for us had she known then what she knows now...etc.
Also all along she is saying stuff about my half sister who is in prison (pill Popper) how good she is doing, how great she is...sends her $$$ and defends her and my step father to no end...
how i should pity my sister for her having Hepatitis C from using used needles....how what my sister does or doesn't do isn't my business...are you kidding?
I am raising her girls! I have already raised my two children and very well I might add.
So, today I get a text reminding me to wish My abusive horrid step father "Happy Bday" and I just ignore it...then she texts me about something i should know pertaining to the 3 little birdies....and I break. I freak out...wanna shout from the roof top..."Leave me alone!"
Then after talking to my Sister Superwoman I find out...Pill Popper may also have diabetes and has a BF whom she has been writing to for awhile...which is INSANE because her daughters...Yes, her daughters...have been lucky to get a letter one every other month...priorities right?
Well...I see their faces, notice their heart aches....breaks my heart.
So, I call my mom and ask her...why? why would Pill Popper find it more important to write some guy who is either from the facility she is at or sibling of someone there...instead of getting her act together and writing her girls...I don't get it.
My mother...defended her...surprise surprise...then hung up on me told me it wasn't my business...
I was angry...hurt...and felt like...I am good enough to listen to my mother...keep her secrets for her (which is dumber than dumb) and here to clean up after her and pill popper...while my life...is on hold. I love these girls...oh btw did i mention her current drug/felony bf still lives in same place waiting on her to get out...yes...it keeps getting better...lol
I give up...I am spent...I am gonna cut my mother from my life...I don't need this all this drama...I want better, I deserve better.

For once...I would just like some support from my mother no strings attached, no judgements, no sour faces or sneaky movements...just once.

Winds of Change...My surroundings under go transition

I have learned quite a bit about myself during this first week into the journey of self empowerment and positivity...including...I am a BEAUTIFUL woman who has much to offer and give. I have felt the winds of change envelope me....I have welcomed the wind into my chaotic life and allowed it to whip around moving obstacles for me that I didn't deem important enough to move. I have begun to welcome the sweet smell of life and it uncertainty to waft around my home in the midst of incense and candles...I am a Lucky woman...I have two very beautiful teenagers, and WONDERFUL loving fiance...a strong supportive family...custody of three (3) beautiful nieces (of course I am a Guardian which I already knew) and the ability to uplift, motivate and protect those in my life and around me....IT's Great to be a WITCH....its wonderful to be alive...as I embark on the "Fire Ritual" I am excited about what is to come...I sense great things as I move forward in this magickal circle to a better me....and realize...I am But Human as well.
Brightest Blessings my friends...I hope the Winds of change blow something you need into your paths as well.

o_O

Working on myself....

I am cleansing, purifing and empowering myself again for positivity and cleansing...working on Tub Teas, Cleansing herbal mixes and meditating. Sometimes, it takes a little light breeze to whip around you and make your senses wake up...I will be doing a ritual later today. Carving "Wind" into a white candle...setting up my workspace and Blessing my home, myself and my energy...
Brightest blessings all...Go light your incense and candles...cuddle up read a book...may the winds of prosperity and kindness blow your way my friends.

JM

my September....

I would like to share how my life this past month has been setting me up for Success!
1. I am enjoying the school schedule w/the Terrors
2. I have planned two outings....w/all the kids....Branson & Camping
3. I have relocated my altar and taken up reading again each day
4. I have started thinking and working on creating my own home based business
5. I have begun buying Christmas gifts already and storing them away
6. I am recleaning, organizing & rearranging my house from top to bottom
7. I am going to make it a point to either blog or tweet each day...not just once a month
8. Enjoy MY PERSONAL QUIET time more either meditate, read, nap or drink hot tea.
9. Say a Blessing each day for someone
10. Make a comment each day on both my kids Facebook...get involved.
11. Tell everyone how much I love them....
12. BE GRATEFUL and POSITIVE about my relationship, life and myself.
13. SMILE...SMILE and smile some more...will improve my mood and those around me for the better.

There...my September...My Birth Month...My new goals....
Just wanted to put it into words so I can be grateful even more when I am feeling down or off the beaten path...for the Goddess leads and guides me in all I do....I am Such a GODDESS as well.

Merry Meet and Merry part and to all: Have an even more productive...OCTOBER.

JM

The 3 little Birdies....or Terrors?

I have three nieces that I have driven you all nutz about talking about them....or whining about them and the issues I have faced while The Torch and I are taking care of them....

1st Girl Goofy who is sweet and funny but yet, manages to never HEAR me when I am addressing her unless of course when she wants to...rofl

2nd Drama Queen who is extra cuddly and throws such awful pouting fits and her faces well...you know the old addage "If looks could kill?" yeah...now you get it

3rd Psycho she is autistic has has severe weird moments where she even speaks a newly created language by herself to only herself..then out of the three she has what I call rainman syndrome too....she has the best response w/manners...its uncanny and puts the other two to shame

I have really gotten to know these girls over the past few months...and known that I have no limits...thought I did...then realize that the HUMAN condition when neccessary is capable of performing any task within reason when there are no choices. They are lovely girls...with a bright future, no thanks to their mother (Pill Popper) she has only gotten high for herself over these last few years and I guess it gripes my butt that my Mother (Denial) has decided to cover her back....throw me and my other sister (Superwoman) to the wolves...as long as Pill Popper is taken care of its all good. Besides according to Denial.....Pill Popper is doing so well!
I want Pill Popper to be well...sober....clean and a good mom for these girls, I want it....it always works...always a blessing.
I have never meant it more I promise...because as good as I am...I have raised my own children....and trying to find out who I am...hard to do w/three little girls in tow.

So, I am off to cause havoc today and maybe mixed w/alittle mischief...who knows where this Witch's Path will lead.

Brightest Blessings and I am hoping for some refreshing, cleansing rain today.

JM

this has been an interesting two weeks during my BDAY....

I figured out....I need some ME time every day...just a bit. Also I have realized....there is dirt and mess...and it will keep..omg right! If you know me...you know...that THAT is a huge revelation!
Next....my relationship is NORMAL and really good! LOL
My Boy Toy (which now we are engaged really needs to be changed to THE TORCH) LOL... is a really great man...when my kids come up..he hangs out w/us, plays games....jokes...and tries to connect w/my kids on more than one level...
and no....he may not be MR.Romantic....but he is MR.Dependable and I love that about him. He does these small things for me....like tries to make me laugh, texts me quite alot during day while he is at work, lets me control the remote control, never ever complains about the house or what I cook, goes out on my Bday and gets me THREE huge books about Wicca ...which he knows NOTHING about (he is Catholic) and makes plans to take me and the girls camping on his vacation...he is a great man. Period....
I have been reading a book by Silver Ravenwolf "Hedge Witch" that he bought me....I love it....making me realize....I have enjoyed complaining woe is me too long...I am stopping that here and now...head up...garden gloves on...smile across my pretty little witchy face....I WANT to have a happy, successful, emotionally, physically, sexually rewarding relationship with "The Torch" It Always works, Always Blessed. I find this new mantra...stimulating...and positively uplifting and when I say it I mean it and I SMILE...omgs I smile big time!
I am no expert on life, liberty or the pursuit of anything...but what I do know....is that life is too short...too short to fret...to worry constantly...to muck around and cry all the time....I won't be her.. I WANT better and I deserve it....It always works...always a Blessing...so mote it be.

BTW...had a fabulous BDAY! ;P

Defect label

well....this has been such a long ass week. My feelings go up and down like some damn roller coaster at some amusement park...my migranes are back and to top it off...I can't seem to quit crying....WTF!
I feel like I am in some sort of funk and can't get a grip on it and when i do...i slide back down again and cry some more. OMGS.....I don't know what is wrong with me.
I cook all the time, read and play with the girls and talk to my Boy Toy... but deep down...I know I am missing my BF girl time and also my two fabulous teenagers....stupid huh?
Plus...on some level I know it has hit home that this is my first Birthday this week since my divorce and on this planet....after a 19 year marriage....to my high school sweetie...that is hard.
I am just putting it out there...to write it...get it out...puke it up maybe saying it will do its work and figure out...I am still here, breathing and making it slowly along.
You know....divorce is so damn hard, even if you are the one pursuing it and for the most part me and my EX get along so well....but then there are the times, I think when our human side comes out and he will gash me hard or knock the wind out of me. It takes me a few moments to recatch my breath and stand up again, but the worst thing is this last time...I called him a name...hung up on him....it was awful. I feel awful. I don't want to hurt him anymore in anyway and i did. WHY?
Sometimes....I think....I did him such a favor, leaving.
Then, I wake up and realize...I am ok...it is ok...he will be ok and our Beautiful kids are amazing and strong and capable....then I know I am ok....
funny thing is...after typing this I have quit crying...and seem to be better, now...only time will tell.
So, I will sit back on my shelf and be invisible while trying to hide this damn defective label on my back.

*Peace...I am outta here

Being a better friend these days....

Over the last few months....I have visited many sites...joined different sites like facebook, myspace, witchforum and various others. But thru it all I have made a few TRUE friends, the type of friends who listen, care and follow you thru your life and ask the type of questions that let you know you matter and make a difference.
And my friends....Wolfbane from the UK (ML) and Army Hero in Germany (MB) and of course Sister Witch (AD) you know who you are....all of you have given me so much from friendship, to guidance to laughter....those items are precious and rare. I also have my two childhood friends Anastacia and Curly Sue (MI) who i hold so dear in my heart. I never seem to say the right things or give them thanks enough for being there for me through it all....my divorce, my custody with my three neices and now my days of nothing but me....LOL.
The Goddess puts us on a path...guides us, but the choice of free will is very important her and the path however given to us they are....doesn't block the fact that there are others on this path there to teach us as well...guide, protect and uplift us...even make us go...hmmmmmmm as well.
I don't consider myself greater than the big picture, I don't think I am that strong but then....I have a bad day....sit alone and think....think woe is me....then i open my laptop and am reminded just when i need to be ......my friends online and in life...care about me.
I will tell you...it is very lovely to have that...more important than any money, vacation or tv show....it is true magick..the kind that is rare and powerful the kind that can lift a person up and make them better along their way.
My mission in this life is to be a better friend, not be so damn judgemental, say the right thing at the right time, have the kleenex there ready and to open my mind to new things.......
I don't think i have mastered these abilities right now.....and I keep flopping on the best friend things.....and you all know who I have flopped with...and I am so so sorry for my short comings.......May the Goddess guide me in my path and teach me new ideas.
May All my friends understand my flaws and accept me anyways...this is my mantra for the month...BE A BETTER FRIEND...cause my friends ONLINE or IN PERSON are The very BEST!! Many thanks and blessings to them and their families....May Isis guide and protect them everyday.

Welcome into my humble home again my friends....

What has drawn you to my neck of the woods today? Curiousity or just plain boredom...haha!
You ever have those days where you want to do so many things you have been putting off...or start fresh some stupid task you set on the shelf months ago?
Well...I seem to be having those days alot lately...however the problem is...I don't start it...I haven't started any of my tasks I have started weeks ago...I just think...must get to that...and then..poof....I am off on another daily chore with little thought to really what is clinking around this head of mine.

I haven't really told you all....I have gotten custody of my three little neices who are a complete heandful...their mom (my baby sister) has went to prison for drug abuse...lemme tell you...there is alot of baggage for these girls and I have been doing my best...but lately doesn't seem to be good enough.
I mean we will manage and get by...but in the meantime trying to hold onto my wits and remember where i sat my besom might get sticky! LOL
Ok...i have blogged for my week...now anything else i might whip up in my cauldron for the week will be a bonus...so....ta tah for now my avid readers....

I am Back....

Okies people...I have been out for awhile...I guess that is what happens when you inherit 3 little neices full time. I am also engaged now to the "Torch" he is awesome! Oh, don't get me wrong...we have had our serious ups and downs...no kidding, I even left once. But all in all, we have decided that there is enough...SPARK there to see if we can ignite ourselves for the greater picture.
I have been planting, cleaning and cooking this summer, I have amended my wonderful friendships with "A and M" and thru lots of hard work I have managed to keep my head above water....
which here in Arkansas, is very hard to do considering how many undertows the rivers have here. LOL
I am in the middle of working a few spells out to help out a friend of a friend...and been trying to manage to escort myself down my hallway to meditate too, I have missed many conversations with my Goddess as of late.
All I can say, is I am one busy little witch and its about time I take my head out of my cauldron and look around for my BOS so I can write and renew and possibly recharge.

So, to those of you out there, I have missed you and to those of you who I haven't had the chance .... Merry Meet!

Welcome to my little neck of the woods and sit a spell with me for awhile....

JM

Again....Friendship....

Well...it has been almost a month and I am still where I find myself pulled.
My girlfriend "M" has been struggling with her issues of her abusive relationship that will cost her custody of her daughter....and she does not seem to be able to steer clear of the drama or have the want to dump her significant other....whatever that role would be seeing that a TRUE LOVING RELATIONSHIP is nothing like the one she has. Poor girl....However...she is allowing all of this to happen. I love her so much, want to be there for her and help her anyway I possibly can, without getting stomped on, avoided or lied to by her. She is doing all of that to close herself off from hurting others...her true friends...however doesn't she see that in doing that she hurts us more?!
I have offered her prayers, thoughts, blessings, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on...a hug when she feels down...and still we are where we were a year ago only her HEALTH has gone down hill and still coasting full steam ever more downward.
My GF Anastacia....has pointed out..."Some people don't want to be helped they like to have the drama, the attention."
Maybe....maybe not...only time will tell and for the record...I haven't nor can I walk away from her...wish I could sometimes....my life would be far less complicated...but I can't I love her too much. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers for I am afraid this is all just beginning.

I pray she finds the strength within herself to do what she knows is right.
I pray she can find the benefit of being there for her daughter above all else.
I pray she finds the ONE PERSON who will truly make her happy.

I pray she understands my personal dilemma here and loves me anyways.

Peace....JM

Trying to get the Message...

well.....a few things have been happening to me as of late...
my personal relationship with "The Torch" has been very challenging to say the least!
Also I have started expierencing the night "Visitors" again.
Please don't assume I am crazy...I am not...well, maybe just a bit! LOL
But seriously folks there have been times in my life more so since my whole hospitilization and nearly dying episode...where I will be woke up about 2-4am randomly every couple of months by a spirit trying to talk or chat with me about some unfinished business or items they feel important that they can't move on. Don't get me wrong...I am certainly NO Ghost Whisperer...and I would much rather have my beauty sleep...and It is NOT a dream...I feel like a mixture of out of place out of time...like me and the spirit are the only things in existence.
I can't describe it. I have had a girlfriends deceased father...whom showed up to me to let me know that I needed to tell his daughter and wife a few private things...things I knew NOTHING about. She was overwhelmed when I cautiously approached her about this.
Then...her deceased great, great grandmother came thru clear as day a few months later....i even drew a picture of her...for my Girlfriend....remarkably well...and folks I can't draw stick figures! ROFL...I am not a psychic or clarvoiant...I just have "Visitors"...sometimes wished i didn't.
I did get a visit from my deceased step sister...who for personal reasons for me...was the LAST person I wanted to ever see or hear from again. But she alerted me to issues of another sister...which were amazingly neccessary at the time...saved her life.
Then I went thru a divorce...had alot going on...and nothing...no visitors no nothing for about nine months give or take. Then the other night....March 4,2009 I was laying on my couch...it was approaching dusk and then there they were. Out in my front yard....leaned up against a tree...wanting to approach me...they would bob back and forth...kinda like YOU or I would see someone out of the corner of our eye...shape and size but not much detail.
Then i woke up early that morning with someone casually knocking on my side kitchen door downstairs...I got up and went to door...they were gone...nothing.
So, I feel like they were asking for permission to come in and approach me...as long as they are positive they are welcome. See I have blessed my home and land. So, that may be why the hesitancy...so, when I get back home later this weekend...I will keep my eyes and ears open...I have a feeling, someone has something to say...let's hope I am listening. LOL

Blessed Be...

A moment of Grief...

My Girlfriend... "Princess S"has had a moment yesterday in her life where she was devestated. The loss of her older brother. He took his life. The topper of it is they hadn't talked in years and she didn't get any closure. Trust me folks not for a lack of trying on her part.
She is the kindest, nicest, most loyal and sincere woman I have ever known.
We have been like sisters for about 14 years now. I would trust her with my LIFE.
I felt horrible yesterday....
I had no idea how to help her, console her or be there for her.
All I could do was give her my love, blessings and prayers.
So...I am reaching out...asking all those out here...take time...
reach in yourselves...meditate, say a prayer, light a candle, perform a blessing ritual....just give her some peace and healing from you and your positive energy.
All kind and warmest thoughts are welcomed.

*Peace....

Friendship....

Friendship...
Ever wonder what that means?
I used to think I knew...however....I have several girlfriends in my life...."A" and "S-Ms.Coffee" & "M-the Partier"...
well...two of the three are awesome friends...there for me no matter what...have my back and brutally honest no matter what. And folks that is what I need!
The other one..."M"...she could have been a true friend. But the issue here is she has been so wrapped up in her own drama...she doesn't seem to care about anyone else.
I mean we all have our bad days, awful baggage...but some of that disolves when you forgo your own needs and help someone else.
I have known each of these WOMEN for years...and I haven't always been the type of friend to them I should have...so...I am constantly working on bettering myself to be there for them whenever they should need me.
Maybe not financially or physically but absolutely emotionally.

You know...Women can be catty, backstabbing, and terrible to each other...that is usually what you tend to hear...but what about the ones who don't do that?
Take time to be there...through thick and thin, through bad relationship to no relationship?

My Girlfriends...A & S are above and beyond! I can't do enough for them or get enough of them...
They are my world...along with my kids...
You know...you are judged by the company you keep and actions speak louder than words.

HMMMM so I wonder...as I tend to ramble on here....
Why doesn't some women like "M" get it?
Move on....heal...get better...take time for others...be honest & loyal no matter how you feel.
All in all, I am dropping her as a friend. Moving on...I have worked too hard to make myself positive and be there for her...she doesn't obviously care about me like that...SHAME SHAME...
and of course ...I feel terrible guilt for walking away.
May MY GODDESSES lead me where I am most needed and teach me patience & kindness.

I talk tough don't I?
I hope I will hold tough and do it...I am such a SUCKER! LOL

Fingers crossed folks..I am headed out!

Shutting that door and not looking back...then why? do I feel so sad?

Oh, well...just breathe!

Good-bye "M"...see you when you perfect yourself enough to be there for others and gain some positive energy back for yourself...until then...Peace!

Well gals & pals...

I am so THRILLED with my bestie "Anastacia" because she has finally started our "Magickal Sisters" blog!

It has been a long time coming and we deserve it!
I dunno that we have lots to offer or sound advice..HAHAHA
But what we have is sparks of ideas...interesting bits of knowledge...tons of questions to get answered ourselves!
That is what it is all about you know...GIRL POWER & Seeking Knowledge...for knowledge is power.
We believe in the Three Fold Law and following the Wiccan Rede.
I am proud of who I am and where I have been...most of all...I am blessed.

So...without further stalling....
THANKS GIRL!

That way this blog can be about my divorce and kids & other items of baggage.....and the other one can be about my love of all things Wiccan!

Peace...

Self Observations...

I have been a very bad girl as of lately....
I have not been taking time for myself, or meditating or even cracking open a book.
I usually love to read, do some yoga, burn incense, meditate & work a few rituals into my day.
Lately I have faltered...laid around the house...ate to my stomach's delight...and did NOTHING.

However...I just recently went out to dinner with my GF..."A" and had a Girls Night out, dropped by Coffee shop for some YUMMY coffee...went to hastings and laid in the floor and giggled at the Astrology books in the new age section...found an awesome book on my Goddess ISIS...and reconnected with my inner wishes to start reading and pursing my BOS again.

Can I just say...Quirky?
I mean just when I have stepped away and given no time to myself and feeling overpowered and run down by life's little problems...in comes a fresh breeze of GIRL POWER and Hand over Heart Love for myself and those around me.

This is where my chosen path is...to enlighten myself...gain knowledge and make time for those around me...including me.

I adore Isis and Mother Goddess...most of all I love myself and my Family & friends.

So, as I climb into bed tonight I will be counting my blessings...and show my appreciation for my gift of life that I have been given and live it to the fullest.
For life is what we make of it and I choose to make the most of mine!

Blessed Be Fellow Friends & Bloggers....Blessed Be...

Pink Panther...

Okay girls...

I have learned a valuable lesson...
When you are at your EX husband's house...don't snoop!
I was just hanging out checking some stuff and a random site to his facebook opened up via his password.
I couldn't help it...it was like i had the angel on one shoulder..no be a good girl!
Then there was that naughty little vixen..whispering..who would know?!
So, stupid me...I snooped...looked in his inbox and yes...found a certain email about me and his certain feelings and his honest, truthful, in confidence opinion tore open my heart and bled it out.

I don't know if its because we dated all thru junior high and high school or he was my first love and married to him for 19 years...but his opinion does matter.
Especially about our kids....
Broke my heart...but I guess I deserved it because I snooped.

He is also entitled to his opinion...after all...I broke his heart by being unfaithful in the end and leaving him and divorcing him...so...he is probably the saint here.
Don't get me wrong...there were tons of instances in our marriage where he faltered..although I will not go into them..they are pointless...my issue here...

DON'T do it...cause even if no one is looking or would know...YOU will and sometimes...you aren't supposed to know.

EVER, ever!

Lesson: learned chalk one up to karma!

Valentine's Day Memo:

Just got done getting myself a jump start on Valentines Day...hehhehehe
A WHOLE WEEK early!
Man...I was walking up and down the isles at Wally World and realized...what a marketing ploy...
There were these men all fretting what to get their women in their lives...from chocolates, to stuffed animals, edible panties, pens with fuzz on the end of them and candles or CD's. WHEW!

You know what I want?
Effort..time...love....consistency each day...
I believe its the small things in life...the words that you never take time to say, the moments that while your head is tilted back he nuzzles you in the hollow of your neck and utters "I Love You".
What about making dinner one night so you don't have to, or getting take out.
What about running your bath & Laying out your pj's and giving you a massage after a nice soak?
What about simply texting you and asking ..."How is your day Sweetie?"

These are the small things I hope for...not gifts...not store bought crap that will add pounds to my large fluffy waist or not the one day Large gesture crap that doesn't mean anything...

Give me a guy like this everyday and I would be a satisfied lady.
Girls? Any other ideas?
One quick tip though....I believe that if I require these things...I should be able to do them as well and I do....my guy...walks in each night to a clean home...hot meal...and a smile and a flirtatious eye wink asking how his night at work went....as I am recently divorced after 19 years...I take NOTHING for granted anymore.

Okay....girls who watched superbowl last night?

I did! it was a really great game alot like life ya know....



They were ahead then the other team bounded forward and upped the ante'.

Then when it looked like the underdog would finish on top....a friggin' fumble or incomplete pass.



If that isn't the motto for my life I dunno what is! LOL



I did get a touch down yesterday from my "Boy Toy" and it was a wonderful GOAL!



Saw my daughter the "Goth girl and her friend...Lispy"

We grilled out...sent them on their way and laid in bed and watched the Superbowl....all in all a great night.

Sometimes

Sometimes the rain pours
Sometimes the rain drizzles slowly down
Sometimes I feel the mood coming on
Sometimes I don't even notice my sad little frown
Sometimes my heart is so light and does a happy dance
Sometimes I laugh and giggle and prance
Sometimes all is not fair in love and war
Sometimes I just want to text a Girlfriend that I simply adore
Sometimes my life is such a flippin' stupid mess
Sometimes my nerves are under such baggage and stress
Sometimes my tears overflow
Sometimes I just want to stay in and not go
Sometimes I just say I am fine...I am fine....
Even though I am not...I don't want to whine....Sometimes, Sometimes.

Random Thoughts from a divorced woman...

Sometimes my life feels like a soap opera....

I mean..I am the cheating Ex-wife living with her new man....talking to her Exhusband about kids, taxes and past memories right......
Then I have my insane family...wonderful girlfriends and the best job in the world.

So...why am I constantly looking at the other neighbor wondering why their grass is always greener?
Why do I mess with Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda thoughts and not focusing on the "I think I can's or I know I cans' ?"

Is this normal? only time will tell...(BTW...when I say cheating I mean starting another relationship before my divorce was final)...
I love my Boy Toy with all my heart...he makes it pitter patter and then some...he is funny, talks all the time...showers me with attention just not affection...

Then there is the Ex Husband....he showered me with affection just not attention...and I have known him since I was 14 yrs...we have 2 children and a part of me will always love him.

Why do I feel so torn...??

Morally...my marriage should have worked...MY FAULT
Ethically...I was right to leave him...he was just as responsible for our marriage failing...BOTH FAULTS
Emotionally....Both men make me laugh...cry...I should have known better (My Fault)
Physically....My Boy Toy is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G when we are together....Not a Fault..at all! LOL

So...tommorrow when I wake up or tonight when I go to bed I wonder if my head will shut up since I wrote it all down...
I am simply human...trying to sort this crap out....

OMG....I can't believe I dumped this out there for the world to see....
Peace..outta here...

Outta here...

Man...ya hear that?!
That's right my friends....SILENCE....quiet and peace!

YAY! Love my nieces..love them more when they go home! HOORAY!!!!

WHEW....

Well gals & Pals....

I am in the middle of an ice storm..hehehe and I talked my sister into letting my 3 nieces come over for the night...OMG!
I just have to say...my late thirties are much harder with 3 small girls! We have made homemade Chicken & Dumplings...frosted chocolate Brownies and took our individual bubble baths and needless to say I looked at my clock on my cell phone and thought....OMG...its only 8:30pm what the crap am I gonna do with them now till they pass out!
You know my Goth Girl & All American Boy are so much older than these three and can fend for themselves...these three are a full time watch people! My sympathies to those with toddlers...how easy it is to forget the dedication and time consuming effort involved here...but all in all...I adore these girls and they are worth it...now...to get them passed out before my Boy Toy comes home from work! LOL
Pray for my sanity and the girls patience....

Peace...I am outta here!

Bored...very bored...

Okie dokie folks....

It is Sunday...I took my kids back to meet my Ex...so they can head home. It was wonderful even having them for one night! We had left overs, drank hot tea w/honey, took bubble baths, and watched some tv and gabbed until my "Boy Toy" got home from work. hehehe

The kids really like him and he really tries to get to know them. I am very lucky girl huh?

Then why is most of my time spent either cleaning, cooking or trying to cuddle with my boy toy and he is so standoffish with me. He has been married twice and a guy with a particular job that makes him emotionally closed off...he is trying to open up and be more cuddley but the problem is he works nights and he sleeps most of the day. So, now I am sitting here in a dark house...typing this and bored out of my mind.

I would love to be cuddling or snuggling or making love right now...he...he is not feeling well again and doesn't want to cuddle and wants to lay in bed and watch the telly.

I understand this, but I would love for him to just stroke my hair or hold my hand.

Does this make me needy? Desperate? Lonely? Depressed?

No...just makes a healthy vivacious woman with needs. I will go...grab my Quilt and snuggle up with a good book and some coffee...later girls!

10 Personal things:

Okay...my best gal pal Kendle has inspired me to post 10 brutally honest things about myself...why? I guess to put it all out there and know how it feels to be honest....
Here goes...if I offend you...well...get over it!

1. I have been struggling with my weight for years...I love to eat! I am a severe foodie...I always felt empty inside and tried to fill that void with food. I have been seriously battling this addiction for the last few months and have lost 61 pounds. It is a daily struggle with myself about what I am putting in my mouth.

2. I come across as judgemental. I don't mean to be. I have a quick wit and sharp tongue. My best friends know and love this about me...I can be brutally honest...but others...it turns them off.

3. I have a severe issue with the "Relationship Issues" I was abandoned by my biological father at a young age and was emotionally and physically abused by my stepfather for years and molested by a family member for several young years.

4. I am recently divorced and during the seperation process I began seeing another man. I was emotionally neglected by my exhusband for years...I begged for counseling and he refused...my boyfriend was very helpful in my moving forward. I was married for 19 years, I gave my all to that...the only thing I would change....to wait on getting into another relationship until my divorce was final. Less complications...LOL!

5. I am severely OCD on cleaning...yes...even my canned food are all in a row with labels turned out so all I have to do is open doors and look to see what I have....I am Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with a little ADHD thrown in for good measure...If you call me...9x out of 10 I am cleaning or organizing.

6. I snore...really badly, drives my boyfriend crazy...poor guy.

7. I am very closed off about my problems...I don't like to throw out my weaknesses or anxieties. I am trying very hard to tackle that this year...to be able to ask for help and accept it.

8. I miss my kids so much I cry daily. They live with my Ex Husband...my daughter the Goth Girl is almost 19 and my son...All American Boy...is almost 17 and they want to reside with their father so they can finish school with their friends since kindergarten. I understand this...but it saddens me terribly...although I have made it a point to see them 2x a week with an 2 hour drive one way...it is very difficult, but very neccessary.

9. I suffer from Depression. If you would have asked me even six months ago about how to handle depression I would have laughed and told you to get over it...now having gone through this myself..I am in total awe and understanding of how terrible of a condition it is and how dabilitating it can be. I tried Cymbalta...made me like a zombie and the Co-pay...ridiculous...now trying Paxil...much better and lots easier on the wallet. Its sad when the cost of the depression medication depresses you! LOL

10. I look in the mirror daily and find fault with myself...from a straggle hair on my chin to pluck...to my hair on my upper lip to bleach...my gray hair to dye...my weight that goes up and down like a roller coaster and my sex life which with me in my prime is driving me bananas!
Does it get easier...I doubt it....will I become less critical of my life or myself...Probably, honestly...NOT! I want to learn to accept me and my flaws...hmmmm...oh well...Whatever!

My beginning

I have attempted this blog 3x now and don't know where or how to begin.
My girlfriend lured me onto this site with her addiction to blogging.
I think....hmmmm....can't hurt right? LOL

I just ended my 19 year marriage to my High School Sweetheart and both our children still live with him as to be able to finish school with their friends seeing that I moved away. I was one of those "Active" moms...PTO, Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, YBMA, Girls Soccer, Orchestra, Home Room mom....you name it I did it! My kids were my life. That is how I think I managed to stay in that marriage for so long, being unhappy and neglected emotionally and physically.
Don't get me wrong...he isn't a bad guy & he is a wonderful dad!
But as a husband...I found him lacking. I am sure he found me lacking too! Hence the divorce.
If it wasn't for my family and friends...I wouldn't have made it out sane.
I feel like there is alot of wisdom that I have to share with where I have been and the roads I have taken.
Needless to say...I have alot of baggage. ROFL
For all those out there who wish to listen....pull up a chair...for those who don't...SEE YA!

Peace I am outta here for now!