Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Defect label

well....this has been such a long ass week. My feelings go up and down like some damn roller coaster at some amusement migranes are back and to top it off...I can't seem to quit crying....WTF!
I feel like I am in some sort of funk and can't get a grip on it and when i do...i slide back down again and cry some more. OMGS.....I don't know what is wrong with me.
I cook all the time, read and play with the girls and talk to my Boy Toy... but deep down...I know I am missing my BF girl time and also my two fabulous teenagers....stupid huh?
Plus...on some level I know it has hit home that this is my first Birthday this week since my divorce and on this planet....after a 19 year my high school sweetie...that is hard.
I am just putting it out write it...get it out...puke it up maybe saying it will do its work and figure out...I am still here, breathing and making it slowly along.
You know....divorce is so damn hard, even if you are the one pursuing it and for the most part me and my EX get along so well....but then there are the times, I think when our human side comes out and he will gash me hard or knock the wind out of me. It takes me a few moments to recatch my breath and stand up again, but the worst thing is this last time...I called him a name...hung up on was awful. I feel awful. I don't want to hurt him anymore in anyway and i did. WHY?
Sometimes....I think....I did him such a favor, leaving.
Then, I wake up and realize...I am is ok...he will be ok and our Beautiful kids are amazing and strong and capable....then I know I am ok....
funny thing is...after typing this I have quit crying...and seem to be better, now...only time will tell.
So, I will sit back on my shelf and be invisible while trying to hide this damn defective label on my back.

*Peace...I am outta here

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