Ever have those moments? Those that make your face turn bright red...smoke come out of your ears...your head spin around and your heart feels like it is gonna pop out of your chest and your fists clench and your palms are sweaty?
Well....as positive as I try to stay I have those moments when talking or dealing with my mother.
yes, its true...I wish we had the storybook Mother/Daughter relationship....I try so hard and I am sure(well I hope) she tries as well...but to understand this you need to understand some issues or my baggage:
I am an oldest of two children from a first marriage, my mother raved and ranted all my life how she hated our father...what a loser, what an idiot...need I go on?
Well...then she married our stepfather who was demeaning, abusive mentally, physically,emotionally and he was also a cheater and an alcholic lovely huh? Well it gets better....we were molested by our step sister (who overdosed a few years back) and our mother constantly choose things or our step father over me and my sister(Superwoman). I could go on for months...but the saddest part is I think alot of us have dealt with our baggage in our lives and none are worse than the others, I also believe Karma is a wheel...and you get what you put out in life.
My Step sister...overdosed from drugs (pills)
My Step father...in a nursing home, mentally not there
My Mother...not really happy unless she is a martyr
My half sister (pill Popper) is in prison for her drug usage
* I am raising her girls with no money, no thanks no anything other than my love for them thank the Gods for my friends...and my fiance..."The Torch" and my kids and their understanding.
Sorry...I tend to ramble but I wanted to give you a touch of my background.
WEll...my mother is very judgemental and hateful to me and my sister....she has made it a gift actually...over and over.
Lately, she has been saying stuff like how me and my sister deserved what we got...we were awful children...she would never have worked so hard for us had she known then what she knows now...etc.
Also all along she is saying stuff about my half sister who is in prison (pill Popper) how good she is doing, how great she is...sends her $$$ and defends her and my step father to no end...
how i should pity my sister for her having Hepatitis C from using used needles....how what my sister does or doesn't do isn't my business...are you kidding?
I am raising her girls! I have already raised my two children and very well I might add.
So, today I get a text reminding me to wish My abusive horrid step father "Happy Bday" and I just ignore it...then she texts me about something i should know pertaining to the 3 little birdies....and I break. I freak out...wanna shout from the roof top..."Leave me alone!"
Then after talking to my Sister Superwoman I find out...Pill Popper may also have diabetes and has a BF whom she has been writing to for awhile...which is INSANE because her daughters...Yes, her daughters...have been lucky to get a letter one every other month...priorities right?
Well...I see their faces, notice their heart aches....breaks my heart.
So, I call my mom and ask her...why? why would Pill Popper find it more important to write some guy who is either from the facility she is at or sibling of someone there...instead of getting her act together and writing her girls...I don't get it.
My mother...defended her...surprise surprise...then hung up on me told me it wasn't my business...
I was angry...hurt...and felt like...I am good enough to listen to my mother...keep her secrets for her (which is dumber than dumb) and here to clean up after her and pill popper...while my life...is on hold. I love these girls...oh btw did i mention her current drug/felony bf still lives in same place waiting on her to get out...yes...it keeps getting better...lol
I give up...I am spent...I am gonna cut my mother from my life...I don't need this all this drama...I want better, I deserve better.
For once...I would just like some support from my mother no strings attached, no judgements, no sour faces or sneaky movements...just once.